Sunday, February 08, 2009

The War Inside

My life right now is simple yet so complicated at the same time. I am frustrated by the dichotomy that is living the Christian life. Not in a bad way, when I go to church on Sundays I am encouraged about living out my faith, it seems so easy. But then life begins on Mondays and the complications build. I am not questioning anything about my faith, but more why it is so hard for me sometimes. For some it seems so easy, at times, for me, it feels like a chore. I am quiet, non-confrontational, many would probably say 'a good guy', and being who I want to be as a Christian does not come easy for me. The truth of Jesus is so clear to me, yet why is it so hard to express to others? I have spent my whole life going to church and a Christian school and I know why I believe what I do. My brain elves have let me down trying to expression my knowledge. They must be loosing a step as they get older.(you have to know David Rudd to understand the elves)

Currently there exsists a war inside that I do not have any easy answers for. I know the truth that I must follow but it does not make it any easier. I often think about ways to end the war, but my imagination takes the war to new scenarios. Scenarios that might not be true but eat at me. They play with my mind until I think it cannot go any further, then something new is created.

I pray for God to change in me what started the war. I hope change comes soon, but I am afraid that it may not. I want this war to be over, to move past it and continue on the journey. Maybe that is my problem, I came to a place where this war had to be confronted and resolved before movement forward is possible. The war is exhausting. There have been short respites of tranquility, they are far to short and the war is ready to continue when they are over.

As I read this it sounds life altering, its not. I just needed to get it out. I have only told one person, maybe I will tell more, maybe not. As one of my cousins says, we all have secrets.

And so the war continues......back and forth in my head.


At 11:02 PM, February 11, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AC......Everybody struggles throughout life no matter if they show it or not. You ask the most revered, the most successful, or the most down and out person you know, and they will all tell you that life is an ongoing struggle. Don't let the struggle get you down, its all part of growing, and learning, and for you enlightenment. I think one thing that may ease the struggle a bit, is understanding that everyone is different. We all have different views and they aren't always going to be in line with your own. That doens't mean that somebody is right and somebody is wrong, just different. No matter how we want to say it, we all have our own view of what "God", "Heaven", and even "Hell" are. For me God is that little voice that always drives me to do what I can for people, most times sacrificing something of my own to help them out. Heaven for me is 5 minutes alone with nature, no outside distrubances, no interruptions. And Hell is when I realize that I am in a place where I am unhappy and I make those I care about unhappy. So you see, they are probably very different than your own visions of these things, but they still exist for me. It is in learning and understanding what those things mean to others and not just what they mean to you that I think will lead you to the inner peace you are missing. Maybe asking what they mean to others and sharing what they mean to you, so you both can learn something. Hope that at least helps a little.



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